So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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