Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
