Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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