I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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