you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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