I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
