my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
