I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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