Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
