Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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