Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
operation have a gay friend backfired
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
