dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
