it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
