im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize