I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
