I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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