It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
PANTIES FOUND
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
