yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I believe in your delicious
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
