yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
