grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
