People in love make me want to vomit
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
