I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
