You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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