I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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