Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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