She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have aggressive nipples.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
