Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
