Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize