seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
In America we eat man semen.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
