Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize