Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
