I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
