can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
