Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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