I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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