you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
