Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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