hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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