Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
