One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Found your dick twin last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
