Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
