You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She's the barista slut.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
