I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
