You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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