got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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