drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
