Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
