he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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