Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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