That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize