The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
