weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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