the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
