im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
