I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
