that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize