Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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