I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
