You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
