Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
