if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
