Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You are a genius and a whore.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
