Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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