Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
